Saturday, July 23
i am bored to tears. literally. i'm such an idiot. i actually lay on my bed without moving for the longest time ever, and when i got up again, a few tears rolled down my cheek. that's when i slammed my head into the wall and now it bloody hurts. i truly am a fool.
bev said my prose is better than poetry. she's kinda correct i guess, since i've been writing prose since i was in p1 [thanks to the education system] and poetry only since p5 [songs, more like] or sec1. i'm kinda fond of my latest piece of prose. cupid's minion. :P so shameless. it was one of those pieces that you can't control. to be honest i was trying to write my chinese compo in english. it ended up very very different so i changed the front to suit. trying to figure out how to make poetry more poignant. cogs in head have jammed.
beautiful songs on the radio. i can't empathise with people who behave like blocks of stone when they hear songs that make me want to cry or maybe die. i just can't understand how they can just sit there morosely. then again, they probably despise me for utter lack of control over my emotions.
i know what it is you want to hear. but is this how you want to hear it?maybe it's more accurate to say that i know what it is you'd have wanted to hear, once upon a time. and i could never say it this way. i don't know why. ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies. i'm not going to ask. i can foresee the ending before i even embark on the journey. so i'm just going to stay rooted here safely on the shore. ships can come and ships can go, but my ship is never going to come with my pearls.
enoughhhhhh. i must stop. recieving pictures from people. twiddling my thumbs. it takes so long to send stuff over msn i get grumpy.
i wonder what i would do if i were in this position. supposing one could choose, would you rather love more or less than your other half? i used to think i'd like to be in control, that i'd like the ball to stay in my court, that i'd like to be the one walking away tall and proud. which means loving less. there'd be love, definitely, but controlled love. but i thought a bit last night. what if someone were so dependent on you it started to strangle you? i'm guilty of loving too much. guess i'm even a little needy. am i actually admitting this? my brain must be getting porous. wouldn't it drain you to have to give so much of yourself? and what if you ended up feeling guilty because no matter how much you loved, you could never match up to the kind of love being showered on you? how does one measure love anyway? by the hugs, or by the kisses? by the sheer weight of carrying it about, or the amount you'd give up for it? don't get me wrong. i believe in love. strongly. i believe in right and wrong, it's just that perceptions and situations differ. i just don't know how i would handle things outside of theory.
why do your fingers look more wrinkled than your wrists?
it must've been love.
11:32 pm
xoxo
